I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
