Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
