I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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