Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
