My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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