some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
