I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
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