I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
