I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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