My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
