Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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