All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
false alarm. still invincible.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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