We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
