I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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