did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
never play flip cup with pint glasses
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
