Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
