Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Randomize
