so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
