An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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