I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
