I faked an abortion last night.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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