i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize