Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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