Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
