Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I could make wine with my vomit
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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