I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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