I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
