Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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