I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
