1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
