Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
