reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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