I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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