Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
