I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
