I will die if light touches me.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
This is classic penis vs brain.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
