it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
FUCK WHALES
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
