3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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