I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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