Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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