woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
