Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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