I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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