fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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