if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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