this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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