It's like a parade of train wrecks.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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