How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You need Xanax blowdarts
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
