So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
