James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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