Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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