u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
