Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
