She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Randomize
