I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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