You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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