he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
