Define "chronic" masturbator.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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