Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
