why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
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