dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
