On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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