I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
