I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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