Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
