24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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